THIS BORING LIFE

"What do you do?” “I don't." (This reply erroneously made me sound, among other things, boring. I couldn’t let this stand. I had to follow it up. With something, anything.) "Well, I write. I'm going to start a blog.”

“About what?”

“My life.”

“Is your life that interesting?” (An incredulous inquiry.)

“Umm.... Yes. Unfortunately. It is." The inquisitor in question was a man doing an echocardiogram on me because my heart had recently nearly given out. But that’s another story. He caused me to question myself though. To change my solid, "YES.", to a "...yes??".  DO I have an interesting enough life to write about, I wondered? I needed to take stock, recap, review. I recently... Went to prison for 20 hours for standing in front of my then husband. (A felony charge of unlawful confinement, he purported. HAHAHA! All 85 pounds of me holding him hostage against his will. How embarrassing! **for him) Hand fed Turpin and Pelicans. Was betrayed by close friends. Was stalked. Was blackmailed with explicit photos of myself nefariously obtained through hidden in-suite cameras. Went months in the death grip of depression. Trekked up mountains and behind waterfalls, in flip-flops and by myself. Was invited to three threesomes in three months. Befriended a bug on my bedroom ceiling. Adopted a dog. Got divorced. Was raped by two men. Lost a dear friend to death. Gained 40 pounds. Re-lost 40 pounds. Lost my faith. Regained my faith. Lost my daughter. Discovered a GPS tracker on the undercarriage of my car. Went skydiving (which actually was a lot more boring than I wanted it to be...... hmm.). Have came home to find someone had been in my place... things moved, papers rummaged through, electronics tampered with, hairs left behind... 6 times. Witnessed a mother humpback and her calf simultaneously breach full on out of the water not 20 yards from my boat. Telephoned my local police station to ask them to supply me with illicit drugs. (They responded, and I quote, “We don’t do that.”) Got stranded on an island due to a bomb threat. Was threatened with deportation if I followed through on a whistleblow. Blew the damn whistle. Had extensive conversations with a woman who plays in the number one band of Columbia, with a man whose wife was a lesbian, with another who was motorcycling across the globe, another who jumps off skyscrapers for the fun of it, and another who was a human trafficker (and who asked me to come work for him... #$@&*%!!) Had Federal HIPAA laws breached and all my medical records illegally stolen. Went to many many many concerts. Offered tequila to two lovely FBI agents who paid me a 3-hour-long visit - at 10am. Watched a sea turtle lay her eggs by the light of the midnight moon. Wrote to a fugitive. Lived with two transgender individuals. Swam with a manatee, a fever of stingrays and a shiver of sharks. And fell madly in love with a man who’s name I do not know and whom I will most likely never see again. And that’s only just scratching the surface of the last 15 months.  Oh how I long for a boring life! If only it were not for that upcoming trip to Yemen I just booked.......